According to marriage expert John Gottman, emotionally intelligent marriages are more successful. What does that mean? In these marriages, partners “are able to keep their negative thoughts and feelings about each other from overwhelming their positive ones”. Dr. Gottman can predict marriage success from his scientific study and observations of couple interactions. In Maricopa county, the success rate for first marriages is less than 50%. With subsequent marriages that number drops to 25% or less. Those are pretty negative odds.

How do partners keep those negatives to a minimum? Keep short accounts. Own your negative thoughts and feelings and work through them (with a therapist if necessary). Focus on and build up the positives in a relationship. In my counseling, I have couples build on what is going well in the relationship. I ask: “What could your partner do that would enhance/enrich the relationship for you?” There will always be negatives in relationships but these factors do not have to dominate and overwhelm the positives. After all, you fell in love with this person- there was something that attracted you to them!

-Larcy

Ralph Waldo Emerson said “For every minute you remain angry, you give up 60 seconds of peace of mind.” I agree. Your bad feelings are only affecting you; the situation or person you are upset with remain unaffected by your anger.  So how can you achieve freedom and peace of mind? I suggest making a list of grievances- grudges, bitterness, anger and pain that are weighing you down. Take a few deep cleansing breaths and then burn that list! You’ve just lightened your load. Does this mean you forget or excuse a wrong doing? The wrong is still wrong and over time it will diminish in importance. Forgiveness is for you. The freedom is from letting the offenses go from your mind and emotions. Carrying anger and grudges is like dragging a very heavy load.  My advice is lighten up!

-Larcy

I heard from a friend the other day who stated “my girlfriend thinks it is a better deal to spend $100 to see her therapist than to spend the same amount of money (or more) to see her hair stylist”. That started me thinking about what we spend money for and relative value. I am all for getting a great haircut but the stylist cutting my hair has spent less than 2 years training for the job. The therapist on the other hand has  spent about 8-10 years (post highschool). People spend about $5,000-$100,00 on divorce attorneys. Many of these couples have spent at least $10,000.00 on a wedding. For some brides that is the cost of the wedding gown she will wear one time (regardless of how many times she walks down the aisle!)

At $100.00 per therapy session, that is roughly 100 sessions of counseling- once a week for two years! Many couples drop over $100 for a date night but balk at the idea of seeing a therapist who could enhance their relationship. The holiday season is starting and the credit cards are burning as people express “love” to family members with gifts and special treats. However, the holidays can also be a time of increased stress and relationship problems. So…..$100.00 for that shiny new item or $100.00 to learn how to love more effectively. Hmmmmm…..

-Larcy

Communication problems are often the number one issue in relationships. Because communication involves both listening and speaking, there is a great margin for misunderstandings and hurt. In the individual with ADHD Inattentive, that margin for error escalates. The frontal lobes of the brain are involved in motor function, problem solving, spontaneity, memory, language, initiation, judgement, impulse control, and social behavior.  In the brain of a person with ADHD this area of the brain is not working at peak performance. ADHD individuals have difficulty listening and verbalizing and their brains tend to race ahead to the next thought when you are trying to communicate with them.  Here are some common ADHD communication behaviors:

• Not talking because they are often preoccupied with their own internal thoughts, feelings and worries. 
• Poor impulse control and “foot in mouth affliction”
• Changing the subject before things have been expressed by the speaker resulting in no resolution
• Being defensive
• Rapid fire, constant talking; not allowing the other person to speak
• Not focusing or losing focus; being distracted
• Confusing incoming information; missing the point
• Argumentative, conflict seeking behavior  

How do you deal with this if you are the person with ADHD? Structure conversations: slow down, limit the time you are speaking (even if you need an egg timer to do that), make your point concisely and ask your partner to paraphrase what you have communicated. If things escalate emotionally, take a break but plan to reconvene at a specific time. Ask yourself: Is being right or getting my point across more important than having a connected, meaningful relationship?

How do you deal with this if you are the partner of a person with ADHD? Seek to understand the challenges of ADHD and be willing to do whatever it takes to make the communication work in the relationship. Sometimes it is important to seek a third person, a counselor, who can facilitate this process and work with both parties to establish healthy efective communication.

Click here to learn more about my counseling services and book your appointment today!

-Larcy

I am pleased to announce my new pre-marriage counseling program entitled “Equipped for Marriage”. This is a must for any couples considering marriage or those recently married. A satisfying, enduring marriage is possible!

EQUIPPED FOR MARRIAGE

• Equipped for Marriage is a relaxed, focused,individualized active learning/application format
• Covers knowledge and skill areas that research has shown to be essential in successful marriages
• Understand your emotional triggers and needs and those of your partner
• Learn to strengthen your relationship skills
• Plan for success through long=term strategies to promote growth and healthy dynamics

Cost: $100.00 per session or $525.00 for 7 sessions (pre-paid)

Call or email me today to get started!

Telephone: 480.586.6353
Email: larcy@larcychris.com

Or you can read and learn more about my counseling services on my website.

-Larcy

Creating and maintaining healthy relationships requires sustained effort, sensitivity, and the willingness to communicate and work through challenges. The behavioral characteristics of Attention-Deficit and Disruptive Behavior Disorders usually wreck havoc in even the strongest relationships. Individuals with ADD present with a  range of frustrating symptoms including inattention and hyperactivity-impulsivity. They also may be the most exciting, creative, entrepreneurial partners you have the pleasure to meet.

ADHD is a neurobiological problem. The brain of an individual with ADD is characterized by an under active prefrontal cortex. It is this area of our brain which is responsible for “executive functioning”. It is here  that information is processed, short and long-term goals are determined, and behavioral decisions are made. When this part of the brain is not “firing properly” there are problems with social and physical cues in relationships. Actions are undertaken impulsively and the ability to focus on and achieve goals goes awry. Inattention to communication causes discord in relationships. Forgetfulness causes on-going disappointment for the partners of people with ADD.

There are 3 specific types of ADD (or ADHD). These are: ADHD predominantly hyperactive/impulsive type. Hyperactivity in adults is usually described as restlessness or needing adrenalin pumping activities. ADHD predominantly inattentive type characterized by inconsistency in attention, apparent lack of motivation, and daydreaming. ADHD combined type characterized by a combination of the previous traits.

I believe that undiagnosed and untreated ADHD is creating serious relational problems and driving up the divorce rate. With knowledge and understanding, treatment and therapy there is hope for change.

Click here to learn more about my counseling services

-Larcy

“Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.”  ~Author Unknown

The word compatibility is defined as “capable of living together harmoniously or getting along well together”. What does this look like in relationships? Compatibility in four key areas is essential in choosing someone to build a life with: intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and physical.

Intellectual compatibility: Does this mean you and your partner need to think alike or be likeminded? The point here is that you both value being open to new ideas, and share an interest in growth and learning. Someone once said “Your partner is your teacher and your student”.

Emotional compatibility: Is there safety in sharing feelings? Can I communicate openly? One person cannot meet all your emotional needs. To develop emotional intimacy, there needs to be trust, mutual respect, and openess. One definition of intimacy is into me see. “Trust takes years to establish and moments to destroy” Love is an action word. Proclaiming love is easier than demonstrating love.

Spiritual compatibility: A couple’s values need to be aligned. Spirituality can be expressed in personal ways but needs to be honored as valuable to personal wholeness.

Physical compatibility: “Chemistry” is important but the “in love feeling” wanes and love matures over time.  You can’t build a lifetime relationship on feelings.

Shared goals, common interests, recreational companionship are key building blocks in a healthy relationship. However, different desires regarding having children, different values regarding monogamy or finances, and different perspectives on honesty and integrity ruin relationships.

Great relationships are created- they don’t just happen.

Dan Wile in his book After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years.” Gottman comments, “Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with.”

If you are looking to take the next step with your partner, its imperative that you gain outside perspective. I offer a number of pre-marriage counseling packages to suit the needs and budgets of every couple. Learn more on my website.

-Larcy

Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. Financial worry, relationship instability, fear of losing a job, and health challenges contribute to stress today. Anxiety is the number one mental health issue affecting people today. It is estimated that 4 million adult Americans suffer from anxiety.

When anxiety becomes excessive, interfering with a person’s life, it becomes a disabling disorder. Anxiety disorders such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia, Social Phobia, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder are treated with a combination of medication, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and relaxation strategies. With CBT, a person learns to recognize and change thought patterns and behaviors that lead to troublesome feelings like excessive worry or fears.
The causes of anxiety issues is unknown. There seem to be three possible contributors: Genetics, brain chemistry, and environmental factors.

If your Dad was prone to anxiety, chances are you may be as well. If there are abnormal levels of certain neurotransmitters in your brain, you will likely struggle with anxiety. Environmental factors which contribute to anxiety include:

Many people choose to self-medicate anxiety with drugs, alcohol, or sex. In other words, they use ESCAPE strategies. Unfortunately, these provide a temporary numbing effect but usually create more problems. Talking with a Professional Counselor provides a way to gain understanding and perspective on anxiety and some healthier ways to manage stress. Contact me today to get started.

-Larcy

The real issue is usually not the one you are arguing about.

Conflict in a relationship causes individuals to adopt many different postures. Sometimes a person will argue aggressively in an attempt to change the partner’s mind. Some individuals become defensive and withdraw, overwhelmed by feelings of powerlessness. Some people are so threatened by disagreement, they attempt to minimize the situation through denial, numbing out, or caretaking. Usually the issue being discussed is the result of a deeper issue that is not being addressed. When a person feels his or her emotional needs are not being cared for, there is a reaction or bid to have these needs filled.

 Take the issue of significance. For some people, this need is very high on their list of priorities. When a partner doesn’t recognize that their behavior is being perceived as the person or the relationship being unimportant, they may argue about the amount of time that is being spent at work rather than with the partner or with the family.

The dialogue goes like this:

Eve: “Why can’t you leave work at 6:00 p.m. like other men do.”
Adam: “I am involved in an important project right now that may determine my career advancement in my company.”    
Eve: “If you loved me, I would be more important to you than your job.”

Adam: “I do love you and I am doing this work for our future. You said you wanted to buy a house.”
Eve: “Can’t you see how stressed I am? I feel like you don’t care about how I am feeling.”
Adam: “I am stressed too! I am doing this for us….can’t you see that?”

On and on the argument goes. The real issue here is Eve does not feel significant to Adam. She fears feeling unimportant to him.
For Adam, he likely believes he is demonstrating how significant Eve is to him by working hard to meet her desire to buy a house.
This “subtext” usually gets lost in the heat of the dialogue. In counseling, the therapist can direct the clients to look at the real issues that are fueling the fires in the relationship and bring an understanding of the emotional needs that are being lost in translation.

Click here to find out more about my relationship counseling services.

-Larcy

Flu shots, mammograms, yearly visits to our Primary Care Doctor for examinations and screening tests, twice-a-year dental check-ups and cleanings are considered primary measures for health promotion. Secondary prevention activities are aimed at early disease detection, increasing opportunities to prevent progression of disease. Tertiary prevention, the third level of preventive care, “reduces the negative impact of an already established disease by restoring function and reducing disease related complications”.

In the practice of mental health counseling, many “patients” delay making that call for an appointment until there is a crisis and damage has been done. At this point, like tertiary preventive care, the work is more complicated.

Counseling provides individuals and couples the opportunity to gain perspective and learn new information and skills which change lives and promote healthy relationships.  It is easy to understand how you think you are expressing who you are to the world around you. But you are seeing this “from the inside out”. Others experience you “from the outside in” and may have a very different experience than you imagine!

Just as wise people take care of their physical health, wise people seek preventive care for their mental health and their relationships at home and work. It’s a great investment of time and resources! Call me at 480.586.6353 or email me and let’s get started now.

-Larcy