In her book The Good Marriage, psychologist, Judith Wallerstein writes:

A good marriage, I have come to understand, is trans-formative. that the prevailing psychological view has been that the central dimensions of personality are fully established in childhood. But from my observations, men and women come to adulthood unfinished, and over the course of a marriage they change each other profoundly. The very act of living closely together for a long time brings about inner change, not just conscious accommodation………Ways of thinking, self-image, self-esteem and values all have potential for change.

What I have found in working with couples in crisis is that they are usually surprised and upset by the challenging interpersonal relationship dynamic they are experiencing with their partner.

Communication issues, unresolved conflict caused by different perspectives, control issues, “not getting their needs met” are a few of the presenting problems. One of my roles, I believe, is to present a different perspective. The goal of marriage is not uniformity. If you view your partner’s perspective as informative and helpful rather than adversarial, it changes the dynamic in the relationship. If you seek to understand rather than to be right or get your own way, you will likely grow as a person. Different is better…..because it enhances rather than accommodates. At least that is how I see it!

-Larcy