Respect means a lot of different things.  Sometimes people will say :”Respect needs to be earned.” That may be true but treating people with respect is also a choice you make.Respecting someone includes taking their feelings, needs, thoughts, ideas, wishes and preferences into consideration. It means taking all of these seriously and giving them worth and value.  Respect means valuing a person’s uniqueness- their perspective and their personalities.  Respect involves acknowledging people, listening to them, and being truthful with them.

Respect can be shown through behavior and our attitudes.

Here are some specific ways to show respect:

• Asking others “How would you feel if…” before making a decision which affects them
• Communicating “What is it that you need in this situation”
• Making changes and compromises to accommodate their feelings, desires and needs
• Not interrupting them
• Trying to understand their beliefs, values and needs
• Avoid telling them what to do
• Avoid telling them what they ‘need’ to or ’should’ do
• Avoid giving them unsolicited advice and lectures
• Choosing to be truthful rather than saving face

Respect is difficult to practice at times but is critical in building a healthy, mutual relationship.

-Larcy

When you are struggling in relationships, there are three choices you can make. The first is maintaining the status quo- things as usual. In this mode people often avoid change, blame the other, or indulge in self-pity and hopelessness. The second option is to check out or end the relationship, believing that a new person or new situation will create a different result. The interesting thing about option 2 is that you take the unchanged you into the next relationship!

The third option is working to make the relationship better- often with the help of a therapist.

Here is the dilemma with option 3: you can only change you. Sometimes this is enough to change the dynamics in the relationship. This option requires commitment to accept new perspectives and to face your own issues. We are often unaware of how others are experiencing us and we spend most communication defending our point of view. We need to look inside rather than outside ourselves to understand what is going on in the interchange between myself and others. Option 3 is difficult for defensive or stubborn folks!

-Larcy

In her book The Good Marriage, psychologist, Judith Wallerstein writes:

A good marriage, I have come to understand, is trans-formative. that the prevailing psychological view has been that the central dimensions of personality are fully established in childhood. But from my observations, men and women come to adulthood unfinished, and over the course of a marriage they change each other profoundly. The very act of living closely together for a long time brings about inner change, not just conscious accommodation………Ways of thinking, self-image, self-esteem and values all have potential for change.

What I have found in working with couples in crisis is that they are usually surprised and upset by the challenging interpersonal relationship dynamic they are experiencing with their partner.

Communication issues, unresolved conflict caused by different perspectives, control issues, “not getting their needs met” are a few of the presenting problems. One of my roles, I believe, is to present a different perspective. The goal of marriage is not uniformity. If you view your partner’s perspective as informative and helpful rather than adversarial, it changes the dynamic in the relationship. If you seek to understand rather than to be right or get your own way, you will likely grow as a person. Different is better…..because it enhances rather than accommodates. At least that is how I see it!

-Larcy

“Attuned to disappointment and confused about its source, we wind up discarding perfectly good relationships. People work themselves up over the ordinary problems of marriage, for which by the way, they fail to see their own contributions”

William Doherty, professor University of Minnesota

When couples come in for counseling about a failing marriage or divorce, one of my first questions is: “What part did you play in the breakdown of this relationship? I ask this for a few reasons. Usually people love to blame a partner for all the glaring deficits they have experienced in the relationship. They rarely have assessed their own short-comings. Another reason I ask this question is that you can’t change what you do not acknowledge. Mistakes happen- no one is perfect. But it is how you handle your own failings that matters. Are you willing to own these faults and are you willing to work toward change? I am a great believer in hope and change……that is why I love therapy!

-Larcy

Anxiety is a feeling of nervousness, apprehension, fear, or worry. In these times of economic uncertainty, job loss, foreclosures, and unprecedented natural disasters, anxiety is widespread.

People are losing sleep imagining worst case scenarios. The lifestyles we have taken for granted are in jeopardy and many people are wondering when “things will return to normal”. When struggling with anxiety, people find it difficult to control their emotions. Feelings take over.

One concept critical to emotional regulation is “mindfulness”. Mindfulness is an intentional awareness of our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and behavioral urges. This awareness helps to sort out the things we are telling ourselves which are promoting heightened emotions and influencing our actions. By learning mindfulness, we are empowered to be in charge of ourselves in a different way. Here is how this works:

John becomes aware that he is thinking: “There is no hope. House prices will continue to fall and soon my house won’t be worth anything” The identified feelings: worry, fear, panic, hopelessness. The actions: sleepless nights, obsessive checking of house prices on Zillow; loss of focus on the job. By becoming aware of this trend, John can challenge the original thoughts. What is actually true right now? What can I do/change and what do I have no control over?

By “unpacking” responses, John can regain some semblance of control over his sleep patterns, and work performance, living life more effectively in the present reality rather than the catastrophes of his imagined future

-Larcy

I was really amazed at the uproar created by Tiger Wood’s apology this past week. Some people found it “offensive”, some “insincere”, and other’s like Donald Trump wondered why he would feel the need to apologize. It seemed to me that more people were analyzing his apology than were concerned about his behavior. The only thing people seemed to agree on was the question: “when are you going to come back and play golf, Tiger?” Since I do not know the man or the treatment plan he is engaged in, I took his apology at face value- an important part of the treatment process he is still working through. There is tremendous power in owning responsibility for our actions and choices. Several comments made in his 13 minute speech were interesting to me. One was about his wife Elin’s comment. “A real apology won’t come with words, he quoted her, but through his actions over time.” I agree. In another part of his speech, Tiger talked about the issue of entitlement:

“I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn’t have to go far to find them.”

From my perspective as a therapist, he is working the program, gaining insight about himself and the consequences of his behavioral choices.

Finally, to those who say it was “scripted” I would ask: “could you do a thorough accounting of a highly emotional subject for 13 1/2 minutes without having it written out?” I know I couldn’t!

-Larcy

Recently, I saw the movie The Last Station. It is the story of Leo Tolstoy’s last days and the relationship he has with Countess Sofya, his wife and muse of almost 50 years. It is a beautiful movie- one that will stay with you long after you leave the theater. There is a line spoken to Tolstoy by his wife: “You are the work of my life as I am yours”. I found this line very impacting. As a therapist working with couples in relationship, I often encounter the expectation that relationships should “flow” or be “effortless”. The romantic view is that compatibility is the most important aspect of a loving relationship. While I agree that relational harmony is easier to live with, I think relationships call us to something greater than peaceful co-existence. I think relationships expose our blind spots, our selfishness, and our limited perspectives. I think that love is work. Although it is hard work, true love is of great value for both you and your partner.

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it destination full of hope.”  Maya Angelou

-Larcy

What’s going on in your head these days? Are you worried, anxious, or obsessive? I do my best thinking in the shower. Sometimes, I get so absorbed in thought I forget whether I rinsed the conditioner from my hair after shampooing! Being aware of our internal “talk” can be very helpful. What we tell ourselves about ourselves is powerful. For many people this self talk is very negative. ” What an idiot!” “That was stupid!” “I can’t believe I am so fat/ugly/out of shape”. How we view situations, both real and imagined, can affect our behavior. Sometimes, we can work ourselves into a state of anger or jealousy about an imagined situation based on our own understanding. Some folks even have conversations in their heads with others, forgetting that the actual conversation never happened! It is possible to change that inner monologue, being kinder to self and realizing that the perspective I have is possibly highly inaccurate.

-Larcy

Every January 1, people attempt to make changes in their lives. For some, they try to quit smoking, drinking or overeating. For others, they decide to set new work or life goals.
But how does change happen? Certainly, it starts with a resolution- a decision to address an issue. Added to this may be the motivation and determination to make changes.
Few people are successful over the course of the year. Why is that? The problem is that making changes requires insight into why the behaviors are in place in the first place. Why do I choose chocolate when I can eat a beautiful piece of fresh fruit? What does smoking provide for me? What are the blocks IN ME to achieving these goals that I envision?

In order to change behaviors, an individual needs to understand thoughts and feelings related to the behavior. In therapy, we seek to understand the interplay of thoughts (beliefs, images, and memories), moods, behaviors, physical reactions, and current environment. Understanding how these five parts of our lives interact can help us understand our own change process. It is difficult to make successful changes in our lives alone. A therapist can come alongside in the process as coach, consultant, and instructor.

-Larcy

The holidays seem to bring out the best and the worst in people. As a therapist, I am flooded with calls from clients who are struggling with the extra stress of this time of year, the unresolved family issues that are provoked, and feelings from the past that are complicating their pursuit of peace on Earth. Expectations tend to soar as the media fuels the belief that just the right gift or meal or party or ……… will bring love and joy to our lives. The holidays can be celebrated in a variety of ways-there is really no “right way” to enjoy this break from routines. If spending time with family seems overwhelming, then spend more times alone- reading, walking, or pampering yourself with that nap or massage. If being alone seems desolate, plan time with others- serving a meal to the homeless, or seeking out others who are alone and planning activities. The holidays mean different things to different people. The important thing to do is what is important and valuable for you. Happy Holidays!

-Larcy